sunday night superbowl

so i decided i root for seattle because i'd rather live there than pittsburgh.
oh well.
i thought i would be capable of writing more than i have been. and i guess i am doing the best i can. i have been consistently nauseaus and just dealing with loads of transfusions-
i am up and walking and might possibly go home tomorrow. there are pros and cons to this. since my counts are still low, i will need transfusions and when i leave here, they will need to take out my pick line-so that means they will hav to use my veins and i have terrible veins. i might also need to travel to the cancer institute everyday for this injection of neupogen that helps increase my white blood cells. but i am ready to go home. i've been here for 4 weeks!! longer than i expected-the longest i've ever been in the hospital.
i am anxious because i am not near recovered yet and i am scheduled to arrive at hackensack february 14th. this is not giving me much recovery time. i have called my doctor. we are going to see what to do about this because he thinks i should have a week off of things or at least a few days and i am not through this chemo yet.
my insurance coverage is all taken care of, thank god. that was quite a situation.
i really appreciate the emails and it is the best way for me to communicate. i barely answer my phone. it's hard for me, for some reason. and those people that come visit, thank you so much.
if i'm not writing back, i am definitely reading everything-and coing online-at least one every other day-...at home, i will be on more often and try to catch up with everything.

i'm especially lucky to have my girlfriend and mom who are here so often for me.
i hate mentioning people but i have to say that my friend jenna is incredible...she calls me everyday, even if i don't pick up. comes down every week from connecticut, she makes her schedule around me-right now and has decided to not move to los angeles because she wants to stay close to me. she is strying to set up a bone marrow drive at her work. she has been a constant support. jenna and i have been friends for so many years. and we've been through so many things together. i say she is my best friend because she is most loyal and trustful person i have ever met. i don't mention jenna as often as i should have and she deserves an entry of her own, truly does and i don't like doing things like that but she is incredible. when i told jenna i was diagnosed again-i got about 5 phone calls-neurotic...and it is so hard for me to deal with this and in this, she makes me smile..and the last phone call, usually is a cry and it was jennas on the other line, saying "jenn you are the one i call about these things, where do i go?" and i told her "you still come here"...she is my anam cara.

i am blessed by all the friends i have...the people that trudge here...and those that deal with watching me go through this...and sometimes people don't want to see people...not me..a new person enters this room, it gives me reason to try a little harder. i am blessed by my family. ...offering support physically, spiritually or just through email...

i know i'm one unlucky person for all i go through but it is all equal...i lay down with my headphones on and smile and think i am one of the luckiest people int he world with the poeple i have...there are people out there looking to be famous..some for the true value, some for teh actual fame but regardless of all of it, when you lay in a hospital bed-it's about who REALLY loves you and it isn't about who people are...

i am missing my family ..;.my brother and sister are in north carolina...i miss my favorite family in boston, judy and the boys...christopher and alexander are like my little brother...judy has been such an amazing support in so many parts of my life...i miss laughing with these people and hearing their stories.. alexander is making dvds now. i hope he sends me one. i can't wait to watch...i love supporting him. i think he's an amazing person with such a brilliant mind. i have some of the best phone conversations with him.
i miss my niece and i don't even know what she will do with my bald head. i miss my bed and my apartment. i miss so many things.
but i cope and i deal and i know this is the way it is.

we are going to do this. we are all in this together-
and if you hold my hand, you have a part of this too...
i love you.